I have a say in who hurts me
by Jaaaay the Duck Queen
Summary: If I died I'd be with him. I just can't live without Augustus Waters.  I just can't. Contains: cutting, suicidal stuff, and some minor cursing. One-shot


_"You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you."_

How could August Waters die? How was so strong, he couldn't be gone. I stopped eating, I had completely lost my appetite for food. Everyday, I laid in my bed crying, how could he have just died? Why couldn't he tell me this would happen? He was my one true love! He couldn't just be gone! I laid there crying, my mom and dad had given up on all hope on trying to get me to stop crying. Nothing could help me. I laid in my bed reading all of our texts. I even called him, thinking that some how, he'd answer. I left a million voice messages that he'd never hear.

I continued reading our texts and saw the _"Okay?"_ text sent by him. "IT'S NOT OKAY!" I screamed and threw my phone across the room.

I wasn't going to be okay, I just wasn't. None of this was okay! Was life seriously this fucked up? Why was I still living? I was going to die. I'm not even living, I'm just slowly dying. Soon, it would be my turn to die. And I'd be with Gus again. I couldn't wait to die, I'd be with Gus.

Gus, my love, I needed him. I needed Augustus Waters in my life. I couldn't live without him.

But Gus was right; I do have some say in who hurts me. And I can hurt me. Maybe if I feel his pain, maybe I'll feel like he's with me again. Maybe if I just die and kill myself I'll be able to see him again. The thought of being with him again made me crave dying.

If I died I'd be with him.

I just can't live without Augustus Waters.

I just can't.

* * *

I remember grabbing a knife and locking myself in the bathroom. I felt complete and utter sadness pouring out of me. Tears rushing down my face, my chest aching, this was definitely my ten. I've never felt so much pain in my entire life. This was my ten. Nothing couldn've topped this feeling.

I looked at my red, puffy, tear stained face in the mirror and continued crying. Why wasn't it me?! Why couldn't I die!?

I was the one with no friends.

I was the one that was depressed.

I was the one who was sad.

I was the one with no life.

I was the one that deserved to die

Augustus, he didn't deserve to die, not yet.

He had friends.

He wasn't depressed.

He was happy.

He had a life.

He didn't deserve to die.

* * *

I couldn't stand the pain of his loss, I took the knife and cut my arms. It tickled at first. Later, it hurt like hell. I screamed in pain and I could feel my breathing become shallow. Shakily, I continued cutting and I began to see white spots. I was losing consciousness.

Blood. Blood was flowing from my arms and kept going. It wasn't going to stop, it kept bleeding and bleeding.

If I died I'd be with Gus. I laughed bitterly, maybe I would die. My arms were bloody, and I was bloody in general. Blood on the floor, blood everywhere. There was banging on the bathroom door.

"Hazel! Hazel!" I heard my mom and dads voice pleading. "Please! Let us in!"

I was to weak to respond. I began wheezing and coughing uncontrollably. I sat on the ground and closed my eyes. I could feel myself losing consciousness.

I felt a hand rub my back, I turned around. It was Augustus Water. "G-Gus!" I wheezed.

I pulled myself onto the counter and supported my standing with it. "Hazel..." he looked around. "What were you doing?"

More tears poured out of my eyes. "I-I can't live without you Gus, it's impossible." my voice was breaking.

He walked over to me and hugged me. "Hazel, I don't want you to die."

"B-but-"

"Hazel, no. You can't die, it's not your time yet."

I cried some more. "Don't you see Gus?!" I yelled. "I want to die!"

"Hazel-"

"NO!" I screamed. "Y-you said it yourself, 'but you do have some say in who hurts you.'" I repeated in a mocking tone.

Gus stood there just staring at me with sadness in his eyes.

"I have a say in who hurts me!" I said angrily. "And I chose to hurt myself!"

"Hazel, you aren't going to die from this, not yet."

I sobbed louder. "I want to be with you Gus! I want to be with Augustus Waters!"

"I'm sorry Hazel,"

Gus disappeared and I collapsed to the ground panting and wheezing. I buried my face in my hands.

"No! No!" I kept mumbled. "I-I want to die!" I felt a bunch of tears fall down. "I don't want to live anymore! Please," I pleaded. "just let me die!"

My vision went black and I collapsed onto the floor.

**A/N: I regret nothing, well I kinda regret the fact that the story is kinda short and a bit rushed. But I just had to get the idea down, I might rewrite it later. I hope you enjoyed my story.**

**If you enjoyed it, leave a review saying why you enjoyed it. If you didnt leave a review saying why you didn't like it. Also, should I do another chapter on where she wakes up? Possibly continue? If so, leave a review**

**Bye Now!**


End file.
